An Open Letter To Those Still Angry With Me

To all of those individuals who, for whatever reason, still carry anger in their hearts against me:

Why on earth would you allow me to have so much power over your life?  Why would you voluntarily submit yourself to that level of mental stress?  What do you have to gain by holding a grudge against me?

There are many of you, I know.  Most of you probably have justifiable reasons to be mad at me.  I look back on my life and I see a lot of things that I did that would have filled me with shame a few months ago, but now I realize that shame is pointless.  I'm responsible for my own behavior.  How you decide to respond to things (even the genuinely horrible things) I did 3 or 4 years ago actually has nothing to do with me.  That's a decision you make.

Honestly, it bothers me that you're still angry.  I wish it didn't, but it does.  I do regret many (probably most) of my actions that I made throughout my schooling.  I hurt a lot of people, even members of my own family, because of my own anger.  That's why I don't want you to be angry with me forever, because I understand anger more intimately than most people should.  I am a first-hand witness to the destructive and spiritually-rotting power of unrighteous anger.  I nearly killed myself twice because of it.

So I must ask again: Why?  Most of you won't even talk to me or even acknowledge my existence.  Some of you have made it your life's goal to make everyone you can despise me, which is your prerogative.  A few of you would even deny there's anything wrong.  I cannot imagine why, but that is how things are, and it confuses me.  It confuses me that I could have had such a profound negative impact on your life.  Granted, I said and did many hurtful things, but for you to carry such bitterness to this day?  Surely my transgressions were not that serious!  If they truly are, then I hope one day you would allow me to make amends.

What bothers me the most is that most of you will not allow me to make amends, or even understand what it was I did wrong.  I can guess about some of you, and for just a few of you, I actually know what I did, but for the most part I am clueless, and I'd like to know.  If you have been wronged, I want to make things right.  Why will you not let me?

On the other hand, some of you have no business being angry with me.  Some of you genuinely have terrible excuses for the way you feel about me.  To those of you, I urge you: get over it.  Your anger is your master.  Be free of it.  You need not be bound by the poison of bitterness any more, so throw off your shackles and walk with a peaceful mind.  I owe you no apology, no retribution, and no explanation.  In fact, it is a few of you who owe me an apology.  You will likely never offer me one, but I nevertheless forgive you.  I mean that with the utmost sincerity.

I write this partly for myself, to get the weight off my heart, but also because I hope I can repair my relationship with some of you.  A few of you will refuse, no doubt.  I have accepted that, but I am cautiously optimistic.  If we could be friends again, I would be overjoyed.  If not, so be it.  I will shake the dust off my feet and move on.

Whatever you decide, I hope you can at the very least reach out to me to answer my questions.  They were not rhetorical; I really want them answered.  I wish you all the best, and may the peace of Christ rule in your hearts.